It's not like you went anywhere.
We still do the things we always do. I see you almost every day. Yet, I feel different.
I miss the days when we were fifteen and sixteen, best friends, and figuring out how everything worked, figuring out ourselves. We're still changing, but it's different. I don't see everything out of rose-colored glasses anymore. I have burdens, illegitimate burdens, the kind that you don't see but that eat you from the inside out. You have burdens, the kind that weigh down your heart with worry and leave you awake at night. The kind that you can one day rid.
I wonder where these years went. Three years, now that's a long time, love. I'm twenty. I'm still young but for some reason, today, I feel old.
I miss high school, and the days when we'd walk back to my house, and play and sleep and sometimes discover what a couple would do with their bodies, alone.
I know that you'd cringe if you knew that I was writing about this on the internet, and I'm feeling kind of ashamed that I'm doing it anyway.
I wonder why I feel different, like I don't have all these opportunities at my fingertips, when, really, I do.
I don't even know where this entry is going.
What did we do within these three years? We grew up, and yet we didn't.
And now I have to face the fact that we've only grown apart in my eyes, and only because of me. In reality, we are how we've always been. Am I imagining things? Am I being melodramatic? I don't know.
All I know is that, right now, I want you. I want to be with you, alone, in the middle of the day with the sunlight streaming through or the rain pounding against the roof of wherever we are, and I want to tumble with you between pristine white sheets and map the terrain of your body, sticky, sweaty, and you. I want to kiss your neck, the soft space that I love to feel. I want to feel you blindly, and know that this is right. I want you to make me feel whole again, like you used to, make me forget the empty ache eating me inside, with sweet soft words pressed against my ear.
I miss that, sweetheart.
I miss you. ★