Saturday, April 24, 2010

...And it starts again.

I just got back from a day in San Diego with my boyfriend.
It was nearly a perfect mini vacation (traffic was a bitch. On PMS).
I just got home and, of course, stuff starts getting fucked up again, like it usually does around here: people reply "I don't know" to everything, the bad moods are back, his family goes back to fucking up our plans.

Oh, it's so good to be home. :-/

Friday, April 16, 2010


Alriiiiight. Gonna be doin a bit of complaining here -- just warnin' ya in case you want to skedaddle before I start in... Ok, then, on your own head be it.
I have fallen ill with the worst case of baby fever imaginable. I have a few friends with kids, and every time they post pictures on facebook, I just turn into this big ball of mush... And then I start getting the "Omgz I want a baby!" thoughts and the sad/empty womb pangs. It's attractive. I tried talking to my boyfriend about it, but the only thing it does is freak him out. Yeah, I gotta find a hobby.

Speaking of the Boy, I was pretty miffed at him earlier. Maybe I'm a little too sensitive, but I think it's kind of lame when your boyfriend kicks you out to watch a TV show. I mean, you have DVR, son! >:-[ And, he didn't kick me out per se, but he said "we can do whatever you want. Just not ____, ______, _____, etc." Great. So watch your show or leave, is that it? Reallll cool. Am I wrong to be slightly pissed at that? I don't know. I was regardless, though haha.

Oh, and my ovaries hurt. Damn PCOS.

I gotta work out, but I'm a real lazy ass, honestly. I need a gym buddy.

Goddamn, this is turning into a list, huh? I should stop now. I swear, I'll blog about something meaningful quite soon. I just had to vent juuust a bit here. 

That's all, folks<3

Oh my damn.

So there has been a bit of facebook stalking goin on around here lately, I must admit.
But really, I happened upon some profiles of old junior high classmates...
And WHAT THE HELL? When did all these little dorky boys become steamy, sweet-faced heartthrobs?

Um, wow.
I really missed out :[

Haha. Damn, but Time sure is kind to some folks, huh?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Tick tock.

No, I'm not referring to the song by Ke$ha, even though I have to admit, it's really catchy.
That's the sound of the minutes until my psychology test ticking away... And I've yet to study.
Man. I wish I could major in procrastination. I'm so damn good at it.

Spiel: Atheism.

So, instead of studying for my test tomorrow, I wrote about being an atheist instead.
Wanna read it? Click here. :]

Sleep is for the weak.

I cannot get off of this damn laptop and I really need to freakin sleep. Last night I went to bed at 4 am. The day before that? 5:15 am. Man, I'm a trooper.

No, really, I do need to sleep. The bags under my eyes are begging me. But nahhhh. Sleep is for the weak. Like I said, I'm a trooper.
Besides I don't have class tomorrow until 3 pm. Woot woot!

I just need to write. Honestly. I've been addicted to 20 Something Bloggers like a baby on candy, and I look like such a n00b. I am, but who cares? I can still look spiffy. But content is lacking :[

Soooooooo here we are. Now. What to write... *crickets*
Yup. I guess that's how it's gonna be tonight. Go figuuuuuuuuuuuuuure. I meant those u's too. My brain said it like "go fig-yoooooor." Emphasis on the "yooor."

Alright, let's do this then. Lists. They're what I'm good at.

To Do:

1. Pick up B.C. from the pharmacy FOR GOD'S SAKE. Don't want munchkins running around. Yet.
2. Sleep. Duh. I should go now. Must finish list first.
3. Bring Zoey in to test for Beak and Feather disease. Very important.
4. STUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would put more exclamation marks, but I'm annoyed with that many as it is.
5. Schedule teeth cleaning before the dentist whoops my ass.
6. Wash my car. Once the rain stops, that is.
7. Take all the junk out of my car.
8. Charge camera. Aim to start 365 project. (<--- HAHAHA. If I can get my lazy ass to do that, I'll buy you each a candy bar. That's a promise.)

Ok, it's officially sleep time.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Your kiss can bring me to my knees.
The knees you pushed me down upon yesterday, with your words.
The ones I stayed down on, scraped and bruising, hurting elsewhere.
The same knees you cleaned off with I'm Sorrys and tenderness.
And then you kiss me, and I'm down on them again.

I liked this so much, I took this from my other blog, Open Secrets, and put it here as well.


A good roll in the hay was just what I needed today.
I feel so much better, and we're so much closer now.

Friday, April 9, 2010

This calms me down.

My mom used to have so many CDs filled with Andean music.. I wonder where they all went.
This is one of the prettiest songs.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I'm a walking contradiction.

I am, really.
I have always been known to be the "good girl" in my circle of friends, and yet, no one knows that I curse like a sailor and am in love with tattoos.
I love singing and being in the spotlight, yet in a group, I'm the quiet, shy listener.
I hate competition, but I love winning, and I always root for the underdog.
I don't think there's anywhere else I'd be more inclined to live than SoCal, yet I detest hot, sunny weather.
I'm best suited to be a country singer, yet that's what I'd least like to do.
I love the beach, but hate swimming in the ocean.
English is my forte, I suck at math, and I want to be a surgeon.
I'm an atheist, yet I defend religious people against the harsh words of my even more dedicated atheist boyfriend.
I don't agree with cloning, but I am all for genetic engineering.
I always want to go places, but when I arrive, I can never wait to go home.
I have accounts on Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, Blogspot, Netlog, and Formspring, but I don't think I've ever been lonelier.

I miss you.

It's not like you went anywhere.
We still do the things we always do. I see you almost every day. Yet, I feel different.

I miss the days when we were fifteen and sixteen, best friends, and figuring out how everything worked, figuring out ourselves. We're still changing, but it's different. I don't see everything out of rose-colored glasses anymore. I have burdens, illegitimate burdens, the kind that you don't see but that eat you from the inside out. You have burdens, the kind that weigh down your heart with worry and leave you awake at night. The kind that you can one day rid.

I wonder where these years went. Three years, now that's a long time, love. I'm twenty. I'm still young but for some reason, today, I feel old.
I miss high school, and the days when we'd walk back to my house, and play and sleep and sometimes discover what a couple would do with their bodies, alone.
I know that you'd cringe if you knew that I was writing about this on the internet, and I'm feeling kind of ashamed that I'm doing it anyway.

I wonder why I feel different, like I don't have all these opportunities at my fingertips, when, really, I do.

I don't even know where this entry is going.

What did we do within these three years? We grew up, and yet we didn't.
And now I have to face the fact that we've only grown apart in my eyes, and only because of me. In reality, we are how we've always been. Am I imagining things? Am I being melodramatic? I don't know.

All I know is that, right now, I want you. I want to be with you, alone, in the middle of the day with the sunlight streaming through or the rain pounding against the roof of wherever we are, and I want to tumble with you between pristine white sheets and map the terrain of your body, sticky, sweaty, and you. I want to kiss your neck, the soft space that I love to feel. I want to feel you blindly, and know that this is right. I want you to make me feel whole again, like you used to, make me forget the empty ache eating me inside, with sweet soft words pressed against my ear.

I miss that, sweetheart.
I miss you. ★


Last night I finally told me what was bugging me these past few days, though I didn't tell him that it's been bugging me for that long.

I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to be with him for much longer. I told him of my pent-up anger, my jealousy, my loneliness. I told him how I couldn't just watch him do something I so desperately want to be a part of, knowing that I will never be. I told him of how I wonder if there is someone better out there for me, if there is a guy that would love me more. I told him how angry I was that love isn't how they make it out to be in movies, or in books.

I didn't tell him that I was scared of letting go.
I didn't tell him that, really, I want to let go of him and see new things, meet new people, try to find out if a wild and passionate love really does exist.

I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him, and so I stayed.

The calls.

My phone rang three times today, while I was napping, from a number I did not readily recognize.
The first time, I hit the
talk button and then hung up, so that the ringing wouldn't wake up my father.
The second time I picked up, I whispered a "Hello?"
I was asked whether to accept a collect call from someone whose name was poorly recorded I couldn't make out what I had just heard, and told that the call was coming from a prison. I hung up.
The third time, I was ready, hoping that this time I would be able to make out the name of the person. I couldn't. Still, I stayed on the line until the call was disconnected from the other end.

I turned over and waited to for sleep to come, only capable of wondering what poor soul I had just hung up on.