Sunday, August 8, 2010

Fuck being passionate.

I have to admit: when it comes to civil rights and discrimination -- or, simply put, political issues -- I'm one of those annoying, shove-the-issue-down-your-throat-if-you-disagree-with-me kind of people.

It's something I'm extremely passionate about, albeit irritating to others and, most times, having no effect on me. I'm one of the biggest supporters of gay marriage, legalizing marijuana (even though I've never smoked it), against SB1070, being pro-choice, and saving the environment.

The thing is, I have a hard time splitting myself from the issue, as well as other people. Yeah, that seems confusing, but, for example, if I find out that boyfriend's parents discriminate against homosexuals and don't believe in gay marriage, I basically start hating their guts. Which is actually happening.

Does that make me a bitch?

I have no idea, but, honestly I can't say I care all that much.

Some may say that I'm discriminating against them because of their beliefs just like they're doing. That's a very good point, one that I really can't refute, and it pisses me off that I can't justify my actions this time. But I feel obligated to defend those whom are being... well, not persecuted, but those in the minority, I guess.

It doesn't help that I really couldn't stand the people to begin with, either. I'm sorry, but, honestly, they aren't very nice people, even aside from their beliefs. They're very selfish, and, frankly, it's hard to be nice to someone you've seen treating your boyfriend like shit numerous times. That's not okay with me.

Yet, for my boyfriend's sake, I really need to look at my behavior differently. I may be a crazy activist girl, but I also don't want to further hurt my babe's relationship with his family. He already severed contact with his aunt and uncle because of me (even though he claims otherwise; yet, when they tell him not to get tied up with a girl that looks like me -- chubby, and of mixed race -- and when he says no, they stop talking, I had to assume it was me, right?) and since I'm over at his parents' place all the time, it would be unwise for me to continue what I'm doing.

I just can't swallow my pride on this one. I'm so confused as to what to do.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I wish I could rip my heart out of my chest, then maybe I would get some relief from this constant heaviness weighing me down. I can't live my life and I can't work without reminders. I can't sleep without the dreams that taunt me. I simply can't just be. I'm so mixed up. I've tried and failed countless times to snap myself out of this nightmare and give up this terrible longing. I feel so very, very lonely. I feel so jealous when I see all these other young women who have what I so desperately want. Every night I cry, and every day I live, waiting for the end of the day so I could just release it all. I want to lay in bed all day and cry. I want to go to sleep and wake up to the day that I finally have something I feel I can live for. This endless waiting is taunting me. I'm so miserable I can't stand it. I've talked to everybody I could, but the only person that can fix this is me. But I can't fix it. It's a part of me, this longing, this need. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed, yet this desperate wanting is quickly turning into a need. There is no escape.

I'm too young for this.
So why do I feel like I'm running out of time? :[