These were my favorite entries from MLIA, and they totally lift me up when I'm down in the dumps. Enjoy :]

Today, I learned that the characters from Spongebob are supposed to represent the seven deadly sins: Patrick for Sloth, Squidward for Wrath, Sandy for Pride, Mr Krabs for Greed, Gary for Gluttony, Plankton for Jealousy, and Spongebob for Lust. Mind blown. MLIA

Today in Biology, we were going to watch Night at the Museum. It is rated PG for crude humour. Joking, my teacher said "If anyone thinks they won't be able to see this movie, raise your hand." My blind friend raised hers. MLIA.

Today I drove past a Dry Cleaners that had a sign that read "Drop your pants here". I know where I'll be getting all my clothes dry cleaned from now on. MLIA.

Today, I got my math homework back from my teacher, I realized that I had accidently written my homework on a piece of notebook paper that I had also doodled math sucks, math sucks, math sucks on the back of. My teacher wrote I know, I know, I know right next to it. MLIA

Today, I learned that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo. MLIA

Today, I had a doctors appointment and when it got to the are you sexually active question, I said "no i just lie there" I'm grounded. Totally worth it. MLIA

Today, in Spanish class, we were each given tiny dry erase boards to draw the Spanish words that the teacher told us to. One of the words was 'pescar', meaning 'to fish'. While everyone else drew a man fishing in a boat, one not-particularly-bright classmate of mine just drew a fish. When I told her, "No, it means TO fish," she drew a second fish next to the first. MLIA

Today for Halloween, I had to pass out candy to the little kids. When I looked to my neighbor's yard, he just left a bucket full of candy with a sign saying "Please take two" and there was a garbage can right next to it. I saw a little kid laugh and try to take a handful, until my neighbor popped out of the trash can in a mask yelling " I SAID TAKE TWO!" The kid ran away crying. This happened about 18 more times. MLIA

Today, I walked into the living room to find my parents fighting for the remote. One wanted to watch Monday night football, the other wanted to watch Gossip Girl. After rude remarks and unnecessary words were spoken, my mom finally gave up and said she would watch football in her room. I'm a little worried about my dad. MLIA

Today, my friend showed me the sentence "Woman without her man is nothing," that an English class had been told to punctuate. Apparently all the guys put "Woman, without her man, is nothing," while the girls put "Woman: without her, man is nothing." I will never underestimate the power of punctuation again. MLIA

Today I figured out my initials are JAR. My boyfriends initials are LID. Its fate. MLIA

Today, I was looking up phobias on google. I typed in "I fear one..." and it guessed "I fear one day I'll meet God he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say". I don't know what I would say either. MLIA.

Today, I realized I have to go over the river and through the woods to get to my grandmothers house. MLIA

Today, I was playing my iPod on shuffle. The song, "This is Not the End" by The Bravery came on. The next song was "This is the End" by She Wants Revenge. It was followed by "The End." by My Chemical Romance. As soon as the songs finished, the battery promptly died. I think my iPod left a suicide note. MLIA

Today, we weren't allowed to dress up for Halloween and anyone that did would be sent to get a change of clothes. In rebellion, many students dressed up incognito, except for one. He was chased by our school police officer all the while screaming, "You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!" I'd like to believe that he wasn't caught. MLIA

Today, I was talking with my grandma. She said she liked the song "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and that I should request it for my cousin's wedding. She then says, "It's by the band 'Blind Tiger', right?" My uncle replies, "You mean Def Leppard?" She then replies, "Oh, well I knew it was a disabled cat." I love my grandma. MLIA.

Today, I was waiting tables at the Chinese restaurant where I work. Two guys came in for lunch and at the end of their meal I gave them the usual fortune cookies. The first man opened his to find that there was no fortune. The second opened his to find a fortune that said "Don't laugh at a friend's misfortune." MLIA

Today, I realized the word bed actually looks like a bed. MLIA

On Sunday, I turned around and accidently elbowed an eldery woman in the boob. After exclaiming an apology, she said, "It's all right, I have two." MLIA.

Today, I realized that Aibohphobia means fear of words that are the same spelled backwards such as race car, but the word Aibohphobia is the same spelled backwards. MLIA

Today, I realized that if you set the iGoogle theme to the "Beach" option, then at 3:14 AM every morning, the Loch Ness Monster surfaces for 1 minute, then at 3:15 dives back under. MLIA

When my boyfriend told me a story about one time when he was in 7th grade. In art class he had an assignment to draw anything he wanted. At the end of class he handed in a blank sheet of paper and told the teacher "I drew a blank." This is precisely why I keep him around. MLIA

Today, my precal class was having a test on graphing functions. Thirteen minutes into the test a kid shouted out, "Holy shift! Look at the asymptote on that mother function." This earned the kid extra credit and the math department now has new t-shirts. MLIA

Today, I sneezed. A person in the same room replied with "May the God or lack thereof, of your choice, bless you." Thank you kind, unoffensive stranger. MLIA.

Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms. MLIA

A while ago in my AP Chemistry class, this one annoying kid and my friend were having a weird argument about who was better. The annoying kid said, "Well, at least I have a girlfriend!" to which I responded, "Whatever. Your girlfriend has 67 protons." In response, the entire class, including the teacher, turned their heads to look at the periodic table on the wall. The element with 67 protons is holmium, with the chemical symbol "Ho." My teacher was the first to laugh. MLIA

Today I was on watching videos. I saw a button that said "Panic, Boss is coming." I clicked and it took me to some kind of fake document. Made my day.MLIA

Today, in Spanish class, a classmate asked my teacher, "What is the difference between vino, meaning wine, and vinĂ³, meaning he came?" The teacher's response? "One tastes better." Definitely my new favorite class. MLIA.

Today we were in the car listening to Christmas carols when Feliz Navidad came on, I started singing along when my four year old sister started to sing with me. Her version??? "release lollipop" I couldn't stop laughing. MLIA

Today, My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us. A we were about to descend, he came on the loud speaker and said "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." One extremely pretty brunette refused to, stating that "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch." Nicely done, Mr. Happy. MLIA

Today, I had a choir performance. Girls are required to wear skin-tone pantyhose under their dresses. As I was on my way out the door, my mom yelled "DON'T FORGET THE NUDE HOES!" I'm really curious as to what the neighbors think goes on at my house. MLIA

Today my neighbor texted me telling me my dog was stalker. Confused, I looked out in my backyard and saw my dog sitting and staring through one of the knotholes in my fence at my neighbors dogs. He sat there for over 15 minutes without moving. My dog is a stalker. MLIA

The other day I learned that if you say ‘beer can’ with an English accent, you’re saying ‘bacon’ with a Jamaican accent. Mind blown. MLIA

Today, I was reading through some old newspapers and I came across a headline that read, "Manly Man Marries Fertile Woman." I read futher and the man was from Manly, Iowa, and the woman was from Fertile, Iowa. I giggled. MLIA

Today, I decided to wear the Death Eater halloween mask around while driving. I pulled up to a stoplight to see a car with a Harry, Ron, Luna, and Ginny all piled in. I revved my engine to get their attention, and as they looked over the light turned green. He made a face of absolute horror, and then hit the gas. His license plate read XPLRMUS. Well played, Potter. MLIA.

Today when I was making breakfast, I was waiting for my toast to be done. I got sick of waiting and pushed the button. My toast then shot up and back down on the other side of the toaster... I stared in awe for about five minutes. I don't think this could be repeated. Ever. MLIA

I was handing out candy last night, and a little boy came to my door inside a huge clock costume. Instead of saying "trick or treat", he said "Tick or tock! Remember to reset your clocks tonight!" I wanted to adopt him. MLIA.

Yesterday, there was a soccer game. As usual, a bunch of people went and wrote "GO RAMS!" on their stomachs. This time, though, they rearranged the letters to spell "ORGASM!" There are pictures. MLIA.

Today, I was reading helping my little brother study for his spelling test. The last word was hormones. He spelled it, "whore moans". I checked it off as correct. I hope his teacher gets a good laugh. MLIA

From the One Sentence site:

When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie and I just now realized at the age of 19 that she did this because she's a funeral director.

My atheist neighbor has helped more people in the past year than my entire congregation has in the past ten.


Today, my Asian parents and I went to burger king. When it came to the drinks, my dad said, "cock and no ass." I had to explain to the horrified cashier that he meant, "coke no ice." FML


My Life is Average
One Sentence

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